Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize