yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
