Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
one might say we're banned from that church
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize