Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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