i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
