how can u be prego again
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
