omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
