Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
