We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I understand Curling. That high.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
