Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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