I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
