well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
