I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
