There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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