How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
