You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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