Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Randomize
