Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
