how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
