I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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