Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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