Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
