I want to have your abortion
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
