So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
