90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
porn star boner night. come get it.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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