I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It's official drugs can't kill me
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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