I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
