I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
