worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
