you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
