I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
