you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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