Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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