my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
