Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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