We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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