It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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