I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just high enough for therapy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
