I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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