a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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