wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize