Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
