alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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