i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
