tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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