He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
This baby is an asshole
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
