Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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