I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
