Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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