you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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