He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
