so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
