i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Success! We fucked roommates!
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