sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
