I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
