my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
