he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
