How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
