Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
